LIST: Buyer Beware! 30 Albums to Avoid

I am assuming at this point that you feel remorse for having bought that Vanilla Ice cassette when it first came out and that your interest in Britney, Ricky, Justin or Shakira is purely sexual.  Still, there are some popular music pot-holes out there and a powerful media machine driving people like you and me into them every day.

I wouldn’t be a very good friend or arbiter of taste if I didn’t warn you about a few things - and I do so with only the slightest hint of snobbery since this, like my other lists, is compiled from music in my own collection.  That's right, these are things I actually bought at some point only to regret today.

The Thorns s/t Matthew Sweet, Edwin McCain, and Pete Droge do their best Crosby, Stills & Nash impression, but all the folksy harmonies in the world can't save this one.  If that's the sound you're after check out The Jayhawks "Rainy Day Music."

Rooney s/t "Blue Side" seemed like harmless, sunshiny fun when I heard it.  Of course now I realize what silly, repetitive schlock-passed-off-as-indie-pop it really is.  Shame on me.

Jet "Get Born" Did those iPod commercials get you too?  "Are You Gonna Be My Girl" is a lot of fun and could have been the Kinks long lost #1 hit.

Beastie Boys "To The 5 Boroughs" The Beasties are officially old and they sound it here.  For die-hard fans and deep collectors only.

Ataris "So Long, Astoria" This band was better in 1995 when it was Green Day.  In fact Green Day is still making better records than this.

Jimmy Eat World s/t As reassuring as the chorus to "The Middle" may be, everything will not be just fine if this is what you're listening to - needlessly stern and vapid all at once.  Amazing.

U2 "Pop" I owned this cd for the 24 hours it took me to get it home, listen to it, eat, sleep, go to work and return it on my way home.

Luna "Puptent" This band was supposed to be good, and occassionally was.  This album never was.

Radiohead "Pablo Honey" Anyone who knows Radiohead for their avant-atmospheric pop opus spanning "Ok Computer" to "Hail to the Thief" be warned... this is all jangly, unsophisticated 90s guitar noise which they didn't get right until their sophomore disc "The Bends."  Skip this and go straight to "Kid A."

Polyphonic Spree "The Beginning Stages of the Polyphonic Spree" Drugs!

Mooney Suzuki "Electric Sweat" This album single handedly pushed the NY garage scene from vitally relevant to passe.  Ironic since they'd been doing it longer than most, just not better.

Ryan Adams "Rock-n-Roll" For irony to work it has to be either intentional or funny.  There is no evidence of either here.  This confirms my fear that he is a drunken poser with ADD masquerading as an Americana Prodigy rather than the reverse.

The Vines "Highly Evolved" Pretentious snarling youth playing upbeat Nirvana toss-offs as if it were the most important thing in the whole fucking world but they still don't care.  You can't have it both ways, boys.

Weezer s/t (green album) I still want to like this, but I just can't.  If you must support the Weez, as I must, "Maladroit" is the better of their new offerings.

Dinosaur, Jr. "Without a Sound" "Feel the Pain" was an anthem of its time, unfortunately the rest of the album is just plain painful.

Jewel "Pieces of You" Between the junior high diary entries she calls lyrics, the yodeling and her six-year-old-but-sexy intonation this is a difficult listen made all the worse since she decided to become a sex-pot.

Filter "Short Bus" "Hey Man, Nice Shot" is a good song to start a fist fight to, but there's only so much pointless synth-guitar crunch a person can take.  Nine Inch Nails for frat guys, the worst of both worlds.

Republica “Ready To Go” The title track is a sporting promoter / ad agent’s wet dream – all adrenaline and optimism with Spice Grrrl vocals to punch up the sex appeal.  I guess it worked on me, I was Ready To Go, but the rest of the disc wasn’t.

Lo-Fidelity Allstars “How To Operate With a Blown Mind” “…tell me, is it time to get down; on your mutherfuckin’ knees…” They stuttered out the “M.F.” on FM for the only clean version made to sound better than the original.  Another electro-dance hit you’ve heard on every car commercial not featuring Moby.

The Hives “Veni Vidi Vicious” Another victim of the quick burning 2002 garage-glam scene.  They keep yelling and yelling but I just don’t care anymore.

Def Leppard “Adrenalize” “Hysteria” may have been the soundtrack to my junior year of high school but a lot changes in two years.  Def Leppard didn’t change.

Six Pence None the Richer s/t I bought this for their version of “There She Goes” to use on our wedding video.  Turns out the videographer had a copy.  Now I can never get rid of it or I’ll jinx my marriage. 

Lou Reed “Magic and Loss” Weird and dour, even for him.

The Verve Pipe s/t “Heroes” somehow bore its way into my favor, the rest is flat as the dissected frog on the cover.

Paul Westerberg “Eventually” This is what happens when good artists get lazy and/or abuse chemicals.  A very disappointing follow-up to “14 Songs” which is actually very good.

Meat Puppets “No Joke” Seriously, you’re gonna call it “No Joke?”  Lousy follow-up to the almost come-back album “Too High to Die.”  The drugs take their toll.



Veruca Salt “Eight Arms to Hold You”

Ben Folds Five “Naked Baby Photos”

Alice in Chains “Jar of Flies”

Elastica “The Menace”


For albums you might expect to see here but don't check out my Guilty Pleasures.

REVIEW: Secret Machines "Now Here Is Nowhere"

Rating: 9

When I think about rock trios whose sound exceeds the sum of their parts two groups spring to mind*: Nirvana – who blared their way deeper into the pop culture psyche than their flannel clad counterparts (or really anyone else) and who remain relevant today due to the band’s ability to plug directly into and amplify the mind of Kurt Cobain – and (wait for it) Rush, who left a permanent prog mark on the musical landscape with, by pop standards, complicated time signatures and a drum kit the size of Rhode Island.

I’m not necessarily talking about bands who played better than everyone else, I’m talking about three people who were able to make themselves sound like eight. This doesn’t always mean playing louder but playing bigger, creating sound best measured in cubic meters rather than decibels. With “Now Here is Nowhere” the Secret Machines join the ranks, providing an album that sounds big enough to fill a crater. And by crater I mean an actual crater. Like on the moon.

There is a spare, technical roominess to their sound that conjures near-future sci-fi imagery without relying on bleeps and whirbles to do so. It's like a movie about paramilitary space-hero fugitives toppling corrupt empires while wooing jaded hearts on some distant galactic outpost.  I'm not ashamed to tell you I am already looking forward to a sequel.

The cinematic reference, while poorly envisioned on my end, likely comes from the ambitious scope and construct of the album. Tracks build, fall, tease and release like the big-screen adaptation of a real page-turner (about paramilitary space-hero fugitives toppling corrupt empires while wooing jaded hearts on some distant galactic outpost). The action is driven by tense percussion which backs parallel banks of guitar and synth fuzz. The back-story is ably handled by tight vocal harmonies and propellant guitar, allowing the singer to inch forward revealing the story.

Everything is carefully timed and presented to build intrigue without seeming calculated or overly polished, no small feat especially for a debut. For example check out the first track “First Wave Intact,” clocking in at 9:00. No need for the quick fix or ready hook, these Machines build steady confidence and promise big things, allowing the music to build for the first 1:45 before you hear a voice. The rhythm moves forward at a brisk pace, but measured enough to allow the listener to keep up – held in check by pulsing guitars in perfect delay, keeping the whole thing from tumbling away. This barreling first scene is resolved in a dramatic single key change followed by a satisfying barrage of pop thunder, properly setting the stage for the rest of the picture. “Sad and Lonely” immediately ups the ante where swagger is concerned, pushing expectations higher and introducing greater depth to characters before offering listeners some breathing room in “Leaves are Gone.” The action picks back up with “Nowhere Again” and “Road Leads Where It’s Lead,” both full of headphone-shifting keyboard / guitar play and pulse-pushing swells that build to stadium filling dimensions, a concept finally revisited in the title track at the end of the album.

Yes, this was no accident. Secret Machines plotted, tested, rehearsed and refined their rock. And it is worth it. “Now Here Is Nowhere” delivers a well conceived, focused sound meant for extra-loud play and conspicuous windmill air guitar. Like a good movie, each twist and turn is met with satisfying resolution, each low shadowed by a lofty peak – plus there are enough noisy crashes to cover over any plot-gaps you might discover along the way. This is one I come back to often enough to make it tops in my list for this year. Sorry Mr. Ferdinand.

As a note not directly related to the music I would like to compliment the staff at Warner Bros. / Reprise and The Secret Machines website for their handling of my initial online order of the album’s advance issue late last winter. Call me a troglodyte, but my dial-up couldn’t handle the download – twice. Just two pleading emails later I had a pressing of the album in my actual USPS mailbox and a handwritten note from somebody at WB. I was all prepared to battle The Man to get my $10.00 worth of not-yet-released rock and roll, but the big bad record industry folks were accommodating and quick in their support of the band and this fan. Thanks again. If you need me I’ll be shopping for a new soul at Wal-mart.