The holiday shopping season is here and if you’re like me you end up spending a little on family and friends and a little on yourself too. Charity starts at home after all. Before you hit the record shops and box stores check out the guidelines below. Most of these should go without saying, and if you take any of them seriously (except #11) you need more help than I can offer. Still...
That’s what illegal file sharing is for. If you really must have "Who Let the Dogs Out?" for Pete's sake steal it or buy it on iTunes - buying the whole album will only encourage them to make more.
2. Avoid “classic” or “hard” rock produced after 1990.
ie. Van Halen post “OU812," Aerosmith post “Pump," etc. These guys went from being Monsters of Rock to dinosaurs the minute you graduated from high school. (I am being extreeeemely lenient with dates due to my own fondness for the genre. Purists would set a cut-off date in the mid-eighties.) See also, Rule #7.
3. Avoid celebrity cross-overs.
If a square is always a rectangle but a rectangle is not always a square then Shaquille O'Neil can still play basketball and Bruce Willis can still make movies without either of them recording another album, right? Unfortunately this doesn't help J-Lo either way.
4. Avoid the Sophomore Slump.
Second albums often disappoint. Average acts usually get one shot and the momentum of early success, especially on MTV or Top 40 radio, is seldom enough to carry a second album. It’s an easily rationalized but hard to explain phenomenon. Give second efforts time to mature before rushing out to be the first one to get the second disc by a band that will likely never make a third.
5. Avoid (a) live recordings, (b) B-sides and (c) Greatest Hits compilations.
These are catalog fillers hoping to cash in on new record sales without the expense of producing a new record.
(a) Seeing a band play live over and over can expose nuanced performances and enrich one's understanding of the music. Hearing the exact same live performance over and over at home can do just the opposite. Live recordings showcase bad acoustics and drunk fans as often as they highlight the ineffable vibe of being there. This includes “unplugged” style acoustic performance discs.
(b) B-sides usually didn’t make the album cut for a reason so unless you’re a big fan you won’t find your money’s worth.
(c) Greatest Hits albums are tricky. There are perfectly representative Greatest Hits discs available for artists like James Taylor, The Eagles and The Doors. However, some hits comps lure you in with one or two all-time favorites surrounded by crap you've never heard and probably won't like - often new songs too shabby to merit an album of their own. Others include edited or live versions instead of the original recording.
6. Avoid so-called Super Groups, spin-offs or unlikely pairings / duets.
Adding Neil Young to Crosby, Stills & Nash is one thing - putting Ted Nugent together with members of Styx and Night Ranger is wholly another. From the Traveling Wilburys to Ugly Casanova, the pieces never quite add up. And while all duet pairings aren’t as surreal as Bing Crosby and David Bowie singing “Little Drummer Boy” (Bing Crosby’s 42nd Annual Christmas Special, 1977) most are a little awkward. (This rule may be bent to accommodate the incestuous track-hopping that goes on among hip-hop artists.)
7. Avoid aging icons.
Rock'n'roll used to be a kid's game, but fossils like Mick Jagger and Bob Dylan seem to have stretched the genre's age limit indefinitely. While exceptions can be made for cultural fixtures the cult of youth is still running the show, and let’s face it, that’s not such a bad thing. It keeps things fresh and forces the, ahem, more established acts to stay on their game or risk playing to ballrooms full of fat bald old men. Neil Young and Sonic Youth serve as shining examples of how to beat this rule by staying relevant and challenging without sacrificing quality. Apparently it’s harder to do than it sounds, so watch out.
8. Avoid the flavor of the month.
Nowhere is our fickle, whiplash attention span on better display than in the music we promote and listen to. Stop twitching and let that new slab from The Killers cool before you rush out to buy it. You’ll know soon enough if there are more than two songs worth listening to. Otherwise you’ll end up with a closet full of next year’s Hoobastank sound-alikes, and no one wants that.
9. Avoid collecting in reverse / stagnant collecting
So it's 2004, you’re 14 years old and you just heard the new REM. Amazingly you think it’s the best thing that happened to you since you got your braces off so you go out to gather their back catalog. Imagine your surprise, horror even, at hearing “Murmur” or “Reckoning.” Bands change, sometimes for the better (Radiohead), sometimes for the worse (Guns-n-Roses) and sometimes just for the different (REM). Keep listening but don’t feel like you need the whole opus, old or new, to enjoy or even get to know the artist.
10. If it’s been in the bargain bin for a month or more it should probably stay there.
Price tags aren’t always telling. $1.99 may mean “worst album ever” or “best album that’s so beat up it only plays on one cd player in the known universe and it’s probably not yours ever.” The way to shop the bins is to check in regularly and keep mental notes on repeat offenders and discs serving life without parole. Most pop albums have a short shelf life and will get turned around sooner or later, but beware of anything still floating around past its decade of origin.
11. Buy what you like.
If Barry Manilow or Bon Jovi are what blow up your skirt then tell me to go to hell. Take the T-tops off your I-ROC Z and push your Optimus speakers to the limit! Enduring ridicule builds character.
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